Fear and Loathing and Triggering on the Campaign Trail

Last week, I met a couple of colleagues for after-work drinks. We – three women – sat at the bar of an upscale restaurant frequented by older couples and middle-aged white businessmen. We laughed and talked and joked about whether this restaurant was the right place for one of our single friends to find a nice guy to ask her on a date. We drank wine and enjoyed the mild breeze through the window, and didn’t even notice as an older “gentleman” took a seat next to our group. This man somehow started a conversation about the election with my friend sitting next to him. It was immediately evident that this man was a supporter of Donald Trump and when my friend proudly proclaimed she’d be voting for Hillary, the man jokingly invited her to meet him in the alley outside to settle the discussion. He smiled, chewing on his $70 steak and sipping his $30 whiskey, and said, “You’re not scared, right? Because you’re a strong woman.” And he turned back to his meal.

Violence has been a key player in this election cycle – threats of violence against dissenters, against people of specific ethnic backgrounds, religions, sexualities, genders, and gender identities. I have seen and heard a breathtaking amount sexism, xenophobia, homophobia, transphobia, Islamophobia, and racial slurs tossed around thoughtlessly, and sometimes gleefully. As much as I want to pretend it’s not so or laugh and tell myself I’m being silly, I have to finally admit (mere hours before this election cycle finally ends) that my unwavering hope was shaken - and it's remains were accompanied by an element of fear. I always try to hold tightly to my sense of security and my sense of self, but somewhere along the line I let a little bit of it go. Even worse – my fear became a great big tangible thing and not a wispy twinge or a passing “what if”.

Since the release of the infamous Trump/Access Hollywood tapes (GOD, can you believe that Access Hollywood will now be in American history books?), I’ve read probably a hundred Think Pieces about what constitutes masculinity, about sexual assaults, about rape culture, and about our priorities as a nation. Trump bragged that because of his stature, he can grab women “by the pussy..." Apparently, "when you're a star, they let you do it”. We all heard it and we had just enough time to collectively gasp before the rebuttals and excuses came. “Locker room talk,” they said. That’s what men do behind closed doors. All men do it. While it’s nothing to be proud of, this kind of talk is normal. If you believe otherwise then you just don’t know men. Don’t be naïve.

Thus began the effort to normalize disgusting behavior and to gaslight women (or anyone) who felt it wasn't normal and wasn't excusable.

As these “Trump Pussy Tapes” continued to be broadcast on television and the internet for days and days, the effect wore on me. Not only were these comments offensive to people across the political spectrum, they were also extremely triggering to women – particularly survivors of sexual assault.

Triggered is an overused term that some people improperly employ to advise: “Warning – you might be offended by something happening here.” The concept of triggering is often mocked alongside ideas like “safe spaces” and hurt feelings and coddled Millennials who want to be insulated from ideas that challenge them. But triggering is a real phenomenon wherein a person suffering from depression, anxiety, or PTSD can experience a negative emotional response as a result of something they see, hear, read, or otherwise experience; triggering can potentially re-traumatize people who have suffered from all types of violence. It’s a very complicated concept and one that I’m not smart enough to tackle in a single paragraph – but suffice to say, triggering can be a very real, very damaging thing.

And so for months now, Trump and his campaign have been triggering women across America, forcing them to think about and relive trauma and abuse they’ve endured. Writer Kelly Oxford broadcast on Twitter, “Women: tweet me your first assaults. they aren’t just stats. I’ll go first: Old man on city bus grabs my “pussy” and smiles at me. I’m 12.”

Oxford says that over 1 million women responded. They shared stories they don’t like to talk about, or had maybe never talked about. I felt terrible because I wanted to share and couldn’t for the worst reason – a reason other women also faced: I couldn’t remember the first. I look around at my peers, women I know and women I don’t, and I see them all struggling with the concept that all this chaos is a direct response to a presidential candidate… someone who wants to be the Commander in Chief. Michelle Obama said that Trump’s attitude “has shaken me to my core in a way that I couldn’t have predicted.” She’s not alone.

After the second debate (the one where Donald Trump seemed to stalk Hillary Clinton around the stage), as pundits and talking heads discussed whether Trump performed well enough to stop the mass exodus of supporters, I began to feel a tightness in my chest. It was difficult to click on the little Twitter heart icon to “like” the tweet from writer Claire Fallon:

          “Watching this as a woman is so emotionally difficult because we’ve all been belittled like this by a male moron and had to take it.” She followed up with, “It brings back every calculated humiliation in front of your coworkers, your friends, your boyfriend’s buddies. I’m actually shaking.”

                              **clicks heart icon**

Olivia Messer wrote in an article for Daily Beast, "In his words, I hear the same words I’ve heard on the street and by men who’ve grabbed me on the subway. I never thought I’d have to worry about a president virtually cat-calling half of the country — and now that I have, it is inescapable, and it is impossible to ignore."

This was, of course, the same debate where this candidate for President of the United States began to gaslight every person, every woman who heard the words he (admittedly) said. Anderson Cooper began the evening without sugar coating the issue:

“What you said was locker room banter — kissing women without consent, grabbing their genitals — that is sexual assault,” Cooper said. “You bragged that you have sexually assaulted women.”

And here Donald Trump began a master class in gaslighting:

“No, I didn’t say that at all. I don’t think you understood what was said – this was locker room talk. I’m not proud of it. I apologize to my family, to the American people. Certainly I’m not proud of it, but this is locker room talk.”

         **PIVOT**

…suggests we “get on to much more important things and much bigger things” like ISIS.

Gaslighting Technique 1: The You’re Either Crazy or Stupid approach. Trump's “I don’t think you understood…” means that Anderson Cooper - and anyone else who was upset by what they heard - was interpreting the scenario incorrectly. If we were smart enough, we’d see the truth.

Gaslighting Technique 2: Trivialization. ISIS is more important than this. This issue is actually unimportant. My behavior is not the real problem. If this bothers you, you’re being ridiculous. Focus on the real issues; stop being a baby.

Trump handed off the gaslighting torch to his surrogates and they were off to the races. The most galling/impressive response was from Senator Jeff Sessions (Roll Tide), who said that grabbing a woman’s genitals doesn’t seem like sexual assault to him. “I don’t characterize that as assault. I think that’s a stretch.” There is a man running for president that I would not trust alone in a room with my niece for 5 minutes, and millions of people are voting for him, reaching for excuses as to why this appalling incident can be overlooked.

The toxicity of this election has seeped into my very marrow. I’m anxious; I startle more easily than usual; I cry more; I don’t sleep well; I’m exhausted.

A man touched me on the shoulder at the grocery store and I jumped; I went on vacation and propped furniture against the bedroom door of my hotel room when I went to sleep. Every noise I hear outside my window at night is suspicious. This is not my normal behavior. This does not feel like me. This does not feel good.

I personally know women who have been sexually assaulted, who are also voting for Trump. I cannot condemn those women using my measuring stick. I will not condemn them on that basis. But if you feel unsafe right now, know that you are not alone.

As we left that upscale restaurant last week to walk to a parking garage, alone, my friend tapped the older man on his shoulder and said, “Goodnight, sir. I vote. And I’m With Her. We’re all With Her.”

Electing Hillary Clinton is not going to end misogyny. God knows there will be continued aggression. The $70 steak man will still hate her and he may still think less of me or my friends. But - whether you are male, female, or no matter how you identify - we have a chance to say that we've had enough intimidation. I have a right to occupy my space in this world without fear, without potentially suffering humiliations at the hands of my country's leader. My humanity matters; your humanity matters. And humanity can best ego every time.

According to the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN), the days immediately following the release of the Trump videotape saw a 33% increase in people calling its National Sexual Assault Hotline for support. Traffic to the RAINN website was up 45%. For those who need to talk about their fears or work through trauma, don't be afraid to reach out to someone.

If you have experienced sexual violence and are in need of crisis support, please call the RAINN Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).